Dating Expectations (Incase you're wondering):

Status: Single
Age: *gives an odd look* Exactly WHY am I doing this?
Likes: She cannot be afraid to try new things. She also has to be understanding of my pain.
Dislikes: Hyperactivity. Their flamboyant nature show much idiocy.
Looks: Why would it matter? I don't expect to walk away with a woman.
Money: If she tends to be greedy, keep her away.
Occupation: I don't care.
Sex: Do I have answer this?! Oh, very well... I prefer to lead, but being lead isn't a matter. I also prefer to be rather fast and rough. Extremely fast and rough.
Overall: I don't want to be with any woman after this en- *Syn pokes him with a pitchfork* Ow! Grrr... *grumbles* Fine. This is what I want from you, woman: Don't bug me, do not annoy me and don't expect anything from me.
Bonus: Beautiful eyes.

By Jeet:

Hey, Professor! I have beautiful eyes! Wanna date?

You only fit ONE of my expectations. When I say bonus, I refer to 'extra'. You will also have to fit my other needs before we can date.
Translator: That's Snape-talk for "I'll pick you up at 8"
Snape: -_-'

By Lolly:

Professor, how many kids would you like to have?

None.
Translator: A boy, then a girl.
Snape: I didn't say that!
Translator: But you meant that!
Snape: *mumble*

By Angela:

How did Syn get you to do this?

*gritting teeth* She has her malicious ways.
Translator: I fear Syn.
Snape: I do not!
Translator: Whatev.
Snape: O.o

By Dean:

Do you like girls with big boobs?

Their breast size wouldn't matter to me.
Translator: Hell yeah!!

By Sybil:

Severus, do you love me?

How many times have I told you this, Trelawney? I do not own any positive feelings towards you!
Translator: Um...

By Kath:

Do you wash your hair? Why is it greasy?

Yes, I do. My hair is not greasy, just incredibly soft and radiant.
Translator: I don't even know what a shower is.
Snape: *gritting teeth, looking ready to blow*
Translator: ^_^'

By Andy:

What do you like best? Knickers, thongs or g-strings?

G-String.
Translator: Knickers.
Snape: G-String!
Translator: Knickers!
Snape: G-STRING!!
Translator: KNICKERS!!
Snape: G-STRIIIING!!
Translator: KNICKEEEERS!!
Syn: Has anyone seen my thong?
Snape/Translator: SHUT UP!
Syn: Fiiine...! *walks off*

By Selena a.k.a Darkness

Hey, I've got all of your expectations even the extra bonus. You know that already since I'm your companion in snapedarkness. So, want me?

You are my companian for the site. Nothing more.
Translator: Sure! You, me, private chambers, 10pm. Password's 'Crushed Velvet'
Snape: How did you find that out?!!
Translator: I have my ways... *wink*
Snape: Grr...

By Laura V

Professor, please go out on a date with me? I'm not greedy, I have beautiful brown eyes, I LOVE trying out new things and I am willing to understand your pain. I'm a very good listener.

You are also annoying. I will not go out on a date with you if you ask me in such manner.
Translator:After Selena. You know the password.
Snape: My password will change!

By Laura Valentine:

I'm wearing a g-string. ;) Lets go on a date and celebrate the queen's jubilee. ;)

If my knowledge is correct, the Queen's Jubilee has ended.
Translator: JUST a g-string...? *drool*
Snape: O.o -_-'

By Elvishooked

Professor, are you in fact actually a virgin?

No.
Translator: Yep. Don't know a thing about sex!
Snape: I HAVE had sexual int- nevermind, nothing seems to penetrate that thick skull of yours.
Translator: I know you've had sex... ;)
Snape: -_-'

By Mynnia:

I know a woman who is beautiful, rich and has money, big boobs and a huge lack of intelligence, but is nice. Would you take her? Or would you choose her opposite - me?

I prefer someone WITH intelligence, thank you.
Translator: The opposite.

By The Potion Mistress formaly known as Forever Slytherin, but my friends call me Kelly:

Professor, I can hold you on those dark, cold nights and care for your every need. You said you like to lead. Well, I like the bottom. ;) Please except me as your girlfriend. *bats ocean blue eyes*

Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this.
Translator: I want someone to hold!! *sniff*
Snape: I am not crying!! I just happen to have something caught in my eye...
Translator: Sure, you do!
Snape: *narrows eyes at Translator*

By Draco Malfoy:

Be my Valentine!

No, thank you, Mr Malfoy.
Translator: Even though I have nothing against homosexuals, I will not go out with you.

By Michele:

I am to arrive at Hogwarts within a couple of weeks to train under you. I have a working knowledge of many herbs and potions, but with to further my skills. I would also like the pleasure of getting to know you on a more personal level. I must admit that your dark eyes and dark personality are quite luring. I have green eyes and light brown hair, although I realize you find appearance trivial. I am quiet, intelligent, and very content just to share an occaisonal moment by a fire. Oh, and if you are interested, I am very musically inclined. I hope to meet with you soon.

A very interesting invitation of getting to know you. Maybe we could talk over dinner? *sexy smirk*
Translator: *looks into pants* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!!

By Blue-eyed Martje:

How abouts I help you kill the translator and then we can ... go have some more fun? *g*

I remember you from my Ask Snape sessions! You will NOT come near me!
Translator: What kinda fun?

By Selena:

See you at ten, then. Don't change the password, I know them all, and I need to talk to you about buisness anyway. If you don't like me as your love, would you like me as a friend? Even though I already am?

Never question my emotions.
Translator: Sure, as long as you know we're JUST friends

By Kelly:

Please except me. I will do whatever you please. Even ask Syn! I'm sofisticated! Except when Snake Gurl slipped Silly Potion in my goblet. *winks at Syn* I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll pleasure you WHENEVER you like. *snuggles up to you and holds you*

*blushing and gritting his teeth* Get off!! I prefer it when people refrain from touching me!
Translator: Awww! You're so warm! But not in public...
Snape: Should I take Martje's advise and kill you?!
Translator: You know you can't! :P
Snape: *sigh*

By Babs:

Hello! I'm Babs! I just saw Harry Potter for the first time every last Tuesday night. I thought you were EVIL! *makes a cross with her fingers* Turns out Quirrill was a bare faced prafaracater! *don't ask me, I don't know how to spell!* I so fell head over heels in love with you! PLEASE!!!!! I have long black hair, hazely brown eyes, *Green eyes if I put on my contacts* a medium build, Wonderful child bearing hips, and the most seductive strawberry colored lips you've ever seen! And my bed is a full size, with curtains and sconces on my walls for a romantic evening!!!!!!!!! *gets on her knees*

O_o... I... er...
Translator: I like your boobs.
Snape: What was that?!
Translator: You heard.
Snape: *slumps* You're right. I did.

By Kate:

After analyzing you both in 'Ask Snape' and 'Fun With Snape' you repeatedly confirmed my suspicions that you are very touchy when talking about your sexual life. Not that you're the first but... are you uh- *pulls out little notebook* frustrated?

Oh yes, have you considered a therapist? I'm free on Mondays... and from the past remarks you've made to your fans, its easy to see that you have a problem. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I'm betting its hard to pronounce.

Who the hell are you to consider I see a therapist?! Of course I feel frustrated! Wouldn't you if you had innumerable, idiotic females showering over you for attention?!
Translator: This attitude is just me. I'm a bastard. No need to explain.

By Emma Lee:

Would you like a shampoo set for your birthday? (laughs)

Do stop wasting my time.
Translator: Yes, please!!

By Iron Hooves:

Professor,
Sure, I'm a Gryffindor, but still, I'm smart, sensitive, willing... Will you go out with me? (i'm not particularly "well- indowed" either, if you know what i mean, but i can fix that with a quick spell... bats big ice blue eyes.)

Gryffindors are last on my list.
Translator: Yeah, Gryffindors suck. A Gryffindor and Slytherin? Ha! Dream on!

By Serena:

Severus,dear,i would like to date you. unlike some of those dunderheads i am very intelligent,i have loads of money but i am not intrested in it, if it weren't for my parents i wouldn't have all that stupid money i don't need,and i am into Dark Arts...but i absolutely hate voldemort..so anyway..i would be glad if you say yes...so what do ya say?

If you had intelligence, my dear Serena, you would be able to use proper punctuation and grammer.
Translator: Yes! YES! Oh, yes!!.
Snape: Behave, child!

By Emily M.:

I match many of the things you want in a woman! *her ocean blue eyes sparkle* I am intelligent (hope i'm not bragging). *Emily's brother walks in*

[Brother:] YAHOO EMILY! GO GET IT ON WITH SNAPE! MAKE HIM SCREAM YOUR NAME! *Emily grabs brother and throws him out window* YEAH EMILY! GO MAKE OUT WITH SNAPE! YEAH BABY! MAKE SNAPE WANT MORE!

*Emily blushes*

[Emily:] I'm sorry about my brother. He's changed since our parents were killed. *she straightens her skirt and sighs* I bet you think I am a total idiot, I'm not. I'm very different, I like silence and darkness, creepy ain't I? *Emily's brother walks in*

[Brother:] Emily, your crazy! you wanna love the Potion's Master? I bet you would call him "Master"!!! *Emily's eye twitches* YOU WANT SNAPE TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM YOUR PRISON, YOUR VIRGINITY!!!! *Emily grabs her brother and kicks him out of room*

[Emily:] Um, sorry you had to see my dark side, but he was getting so annoying! *brother walks in looking rather mad*

[Brother:] Snape, answer my queston! WILL YOU TAKE MY SISTER TO A DESERTED ISLAND AND DO ANYTHING YOU PLEASE WITH HER??

I prefer people who speak for themselves.
Translator: Awww! Your brother's so cuuute!!
Snape: -_-'

By Rhashel Black:

I am everything you want and everything you will ever need, plus more... trust me. I'll take anything and everything you have to offer me... just as long as it's you, my dark prince.

For some apparent reason, I refuse to believe you.
Translator: Anything and everything, eh? Hubba hubba!

By RedChocobo:

Hi, it's me again! Thought you got rid of me, eh? I was wondering what kind of girl you like? Would she be just like you? Or completely opposite? Would she be smart and funny... or just smart? Well, I gotta go... I need sugar. Byeee ^-~

I wouldn't know what type I prefer. I don't usually stop to think of such things.
Translator: Anything, as long as she can relate to me behind her disguise. Only the ones who are right for me would understand that.

By Blue-eyed Martje (still in for a bit of fun):

Hey! What was wrong with me in Ask Snape? Wasn't I perfectly aimiable? Didn't I help you translate the message from that girl? Hmm? You're so UNFAIR! *sulk*

/teenage mode off/

*ahem*

You know what? How abouts I kill the translator AND Emily's brother! Howzat for a deal?

Killing will be unnecessary.
Translator: He said he's beginning to have a... thing... for you and he's gonna pick you up on Friday. He's gonna take you to his *private* chambers and do... stuff.
Snape: What?!!
Translator: You know you want her, Sev.
Snape: -_-'

From Sabrina S.:

I have brilliant green eyes and swishy black hair that billows like your robes. I am very quiet and intelligent. I am also ver poetic as you may have seen in my first sentence. Yes, I am in Slytherin, not Gryffindor. *scowls* I see how you love to take points from those little prats and give them as a gift to us. I don't care how you like your sex, but I know it's good. *wink.* Anyway, Professor Snape I must be going so give me an answer when you have the chance.

Translator: I think she's trying to tell you something.
Snape: What did she mean?
Translator: Um... she likes to sleep. That's it. Yeah
Snape: *face turns red* *chokes*
Translator: What's up with you?
Snape: ...hormones...
Translator: Ewww...

By Lady Melisan:

Severus, I'm going to be nothing short of blunt and honest of my affections. I find you very charming and handsome, even charasmatic. I love everything about you and I want you to know that I'm there for you if you ever need someone. :) (I also want you to know I find you very sexy and if could I'd tear those robes off you right now!) *evil grin*

O_o Who switches mood so rapidly throughout a single letter? This one is the first to actually frighten me.
Translator: You're blushing! You sexy thang!
Snape: Shut it!
Translator: Yesh! You sexy biatch!
Snape: Argh!! That's it!! I refuse to answer anymore of these retarded letters!
Translator: You're just embarrassed because you realize you're starting to like these girls.
Snape: Hmph!

By Serena:

Professor Snape, I can use proper punctuation and grammer! I just think it's faster to not use it. I actually am intelligent. I may be a bit immature but I'll grow out of it. Please re-consider going out with me. Please? I love you, sevy-wevy! *snickers at the nickname she just gave him* Also, you called me 'dear'?! *nearly faints* I got to go take my medication for my mental disorder, otherwise known as crazy.

Having the time to impress me with proper punctuation and grammer not only almost flatters me, but gives me much ease reading through your letter. Syn doesn't always enjoy editing and correcting people's letters.

I will not tolerate childish nicknames. Keep that in mind.
Translator:Where the hell were you yesterday night? You know, I needed relea-
Snape: *quickly clamps hand over Translator's mouth and gives nervous grin*

By Lanna:

*purses her lips* In school I was an honor student, and I think I have beautiful eyes... though they do not compare with yours. *smirk* I have no expectations of you, in fact I only have one thing to say. I love you. There. See you later, Professor...

People who say they love me straight out in that manner deserve nothing positive from me.
Translator: He says: I love you, too!
Snape: *right in Translator's face* YOU are starting to annoy me!!
Translator: ^_^''

By J.Asp:

Hey, Mr. Snape. Or can I call you by your first name, Severus? Oh well... never mind... My name is J.Asp. I have short strawberry blonde hair, yellowish-green eyes that sparkle (esp. in candle light *wink*). I'm about 5 ft 2, with freckles, not thin but not large (I'm slightly muscular), occassionally wearing glasses, but if that bothers you... I could wear my contacts... no big deal... I'm rather tom-boyish (but that only goes into my clothing style and my adventurous spirit), intelligent, witty, quirky, fun-loving. I've always thought it would be romantic to live with a man with a hurtful past. I guess it's my need to help and love. Did anybody tell you that you have the most lurrrrvely hands? I'll just take my medication like a good girl and be nice if it were just to be near you...

Your looks wouldn't matter to me. You may call me Severus. What time would you like us to meet?
Translator: Look! There's Michele!
Snape: O.O
Translator: Heh heh!